Retief of the CDT

 

By Keith Laumer

A collection of five Retief stories:

• Ballots and Bandits
• Mechanical Advantage
• Pime Doesn't Cray
• Internal Affairs
• The Piecemakers

These are five of the best Retief stories, featuring engaging aliens and funny plots.

In Ballots and Bandits, Retief gets involved in local politics on the planet Oberon. The denizens of Oberon are a variety of sizes of squirrel-like creatures, ranging from as tiny as a mouse to larger than human beings. The largest Oberons are the Tsuggs and they have political ambitions which they are attempting to implement by force. Retief visits the Tsugg chieftain and manages to become their representative to the Terran embassy.

Mechanical Advantage finds Retief and Magnan on Verdigris, a planet of ancient abandoned cities. Apparently the people that built the cities have vanished long ago. Not surprisingly, the Groaci are there too and despite the Terran prior claim are busy looting the ruins of their valuable antiquities. Retief and Magnan stumble across an underground garage full of large, dangerous, intelligent machines. The machines awaken and challenge the two Terrans but in the process Retief wins their support and turns them loose on the Groaci.

Pime Doesn't Cray features one of Laumer's weirdest aliens. Described as looking like a pile of spaghetti, they all speak in Spoonerisms: pime doesn't cray instead of crime doesn't pay. It makes for a bit of tricky reading but I found if you don't try to translate it to normal, the meaning still comes through just fine.

Anyway, the Terrans are building a magnificent theater as a gift to the locals of Squale. But the day before the theater is to be unveiled, it vanishes.  Of course, the Groaci are behind the theft but with the help of his spaghetti-like chauffeur Chauncey, Retief will make all straight.

On the planet of Quahog, the Terran delegation in Internal Affairs wants to make contact with the local ruler, His Supremacy. But the terrible weather and violent winds and aggressive wildlife has the Terran diplomats holed up in a cave and subsisting on snacks and champagne. 

But when Retief and Magnan arrive, they discover the "aggressive" wildlife are the emissaries of His Supremacy and they must communicate by telepathic touch. While the other diplomats cower in the cave, Retief and Magnan head off to the His Supremacy's castle which turns out to be just a low mound of hills as the climate is too extreme for any buildings to last for any amount of time. But shortly after they arrive, His Supremacy becomes violently ill. Fortunately, even medical care is not beyond the capabilities of the ever-ready Retief.

The Piecemakers starts off with the Groaci in a standoff against the Slox, both of them claiming the planet Yudore as their own. Retief and Magnan are there to broker a peace between the two groups but end up crash landing on Yudore. There they find out the locals are all of one mind and what that mind wants is company. Anyone who lands on Yudore finds their spacecraft immediately disabled in order to keep them from ever leaving.

I first read these stories decades ago. I enjoyed them as much this time as the first time I read the stories. My favorites are Ballots and Bandits, Pime Doesn't Cray and Internal Affair. The other two stories were not quite as appealing but still enjoyable.