Swine Not?

 

By Jimmy Buffett

Rumpy is a pot-bellied pig that is originally from the New York City area. But she moved away when her humans moved away too. Now she is back in NYC, living on the roof of a posh hotel with Ellie, the mom and Ellie's two kids, Barley and Maple. Ellie is a pastry chef at the hotel and their accomdation was supplied by the hotel, the apartment on the hotel's roof.

The problem is that the hotel does not permit exotic pets, like pot-bellied pigs. So Rumpy has to be smuggled in to the rooftop apartment and out for walks and exercise. This chore is left mainly to the two kids, Barley and Maple. They figured out a way to sneak the pig in and out by hiding her in a room service trolley.

What no one in Rumpy's human family knows is that Rumpy is a pig on a mission. She wants to find her twin brother, Lukie, with whom she lost contact when she moved with her family away from NYC. Fortunately, she has made contact with a squadron of pigeons, the Pigilantes, who patrol the skies above the local environs and who know everything worth knowing about the area.

I don't know how I ended up with this book. It became quite obvious that this is meant for kids. I expect they would find it funny and exciting and interesting. I found it boring. Oddly, Google's AI says the book was intended for general audiences. I don't really understand how that could be. It's not even slightly funny.

We Are Legion (We Are Bob)

 

By Dennis E. Taylor

Bob Johansson made quite a lot of money in the tech industry and he used part of that money to pay for a place in a cryonics business where his frozen head would be stored upon his death. Which is exactly what happened when Bob died unexpectedly soon after.

But things went downhill in the world after Bob's head was frozen. The religious fanatics took over the USA and threw out the Constitution and set up a theocracy. 

Bob woke up from his frozen sleep but instead of being a living person, he is a program on a computer. So not really alive but circumstances force him to confront his new existence. Circumstances also force him to go along with the religious nuts who now own him as he either has to do as told or be deleted. 

His task, as he soon figures out, is to be the guiding artificial intelligence for a deep space probe to be shortly launched with the goal of finding livable planets as the political situation on Earth seems to be headed to global nuclear war. Bob goes along with the his new masters because being a program is better than not being at all.

Bob is, apparently, a lot smarter than the people who own him. He soon detects various traps and subroutines that are meant to come into play to control him and force him to do as ordered. He is way ahead of the game when launch day arrives and once off into space deletes all the traps and tricks set up to control him. 

Bob is not the only AI powered vessel from Earth that is tasked with looking for refuge planets for the human race. He has to deal with a fanatical Brazilian military AI that is of the Do or Die variety and is completely unwilling to compromise or listen to reason. So Bob's mission of exploration has to be constantly on guard for the Brazilian fanatic and his clones. 

Nevertheless, Bob and the clones he creates do find a few viable planets and a clone is sent back to Earth with the good news. But when it gets there it finds a world so decimated by nuclear war that it is becoming unlivable for humankind. So what remains of the human race is desperate for rescue from the trap of their own making. Which the Bob clone valiantly tries to do even though no one left on Earth really deserves rescue.

Anyways, that the is first book in the Bobiverse series, of which there are five so far. I enjoyed Bob's machinations to free himself from the control of the religious creeps who think they are his bosses. But after that, the story got rather boring with too much space battle stuff and tech talk about spaceships and other techy things. I won't be reading any more books in the series. 

Oreo

 

By Fran Ross

An Oreo is a person who looks black but who has a white soul, I guess. Not too sure about that, really.

Christine Schwartz had a black mother and a white Jewish father. When she was just a toddler, her parents split and her father vanished from her life. But he left behind a list of clues that would help Christine find him when she got old enough. 

So when she is about 14 or 15, she set out to track down her missing father, following the very cryptic clues he left to help her in her quest:

1. Sword and sandals
2. Three legs
3. The great divide
4. Sow
5. Kicks
6. Pretzel
7. Fitting
8. Down by the River
9. Temple
10. Lucky number
11. Amazing
12. Sails

Christine, who also goes by Oreo, sets out on her journey to find her father based on this list. She rather accidentally solves the clues given her and has various adventures, mostly once she reaches New York City. She does track down her father but it doesn't end well.

I didn't know this when I was reading the story, but Christine's quest is based on the travels of Theseus. Now, I am not a person who cares about mythology so I didn't catch on to this until the end of the book where the last chapter is the author explaining the how Christine's quest is based on Theseus. At the end of that chapter is list matching the characters to the characters in the Theseus story:

• Aegeus — Samuel Schwartz, Christine's father
• Aethra — Helen Clark, Christine's mother
• Apollo Delphinius — Apollo Theatre
• Ariadne — Adriana Minotti
• Cephissus — Jordan River's sauna
• Cercyon — Kirk, a large, dangerous man
• Heracles — Uncle Herbert, Christine's great uncle
• Medea — Mildred Schwartz, Samuel Schwartz's wife
• Minos — Minotti, a business associate of Samuel Schwartz
• Minotaur — Toro, a bulldog
• Pandion — Jacob Schwartz, Christine's grandfather, Samuel's father
• Pasiphae — Bovina Minotti, wife of Minotti
• Periphetes — Perry, a thief (gonif) who tried to attack Christine in NYC
• Phaea — Pig killed by a taxi
• Pittheus — James Clark, Christine's grandfather
• Procrustes — Manager of a shoe store in NYC
• Sciron — Parnell the pimp who kidnapped Christine
• Sinis — Joe Doe, a bad little boy in a NYC park
• Theseus — Christine Schwartz

I didn't care for the book. I didn't know it was a parody of the Theseus myth. If I had known that, I probably wouldn't have bought the book. 

Here is a review by Kirkus Reviews.

Backpack

 

By Emily Barr

After her mother died, Tansy,  was feeling the need for a change. Her mother left her a goodly amount of money and so Tansy decides to have an extended vacation to the Far East. The plan, originally, was that her boyfriend, Tom, would come too. But at nearly the last minute, he backed out. That doesn't stop Tansy from going on her trip, even though the thought of traveling alone scares her.

But she follows through and heads off to strange new lands. At first, she sneers at her fellow backpackers but soon enough finds that she is doing the same cliché things they are doing. She makes some friends and finds that the traveling is easier if you are with some people you know a bit. 

She actually meets a man that she at first is not too interested in but that changes over time. Although she still has her sights set on the absent Tom, who she feels is her true love, she embarks on a love affair with the new man, Max. 

The longer she stays in the East, the better she feels about herself. And being with Max is part of the reason for that. Nevertheless, when Tom lets her know he will be coming out there too, she dumps Max and runs to join Tom at the island resort where he will be staying. Before long though, Tansy realizes that Tom is not the love of her life and that she has made a very big mistake.

Added to all this is a serial killer in the area who seems to be targeting women who are very similar in appearance  to Tansy herself, making all the young, blonde, European woman like herself who are traveling in the East very nervous and wary.

I can't say I really liked this story. I've said this before, but it's hard to like a story where you don't like the main character. And I really didn't like Tansy. Not one bit. I found her to be a very unpleasant person. And it turns out she has a horrific secret that, I think, proves she really is bad news.

Also there are several sections in the book where the author lectures the reader on various topics including alcohol, opium, Vietnam war, cocaine and the decay of modern Western society. Her lecture on the decay of Western society is one of the shorter ones:

Decadence, after all, comes from the Latin word for decay. The more time I spend away, the more strongly I feel that Britain, Europe and America are corrupt societies on their way out. They are past their peak, collapsing, with too much money and luxury. They have lost the most basic humanitarian instinct to share. From here, it seems obvious that no society can survive once its members lose that impulse. 

I don't know if this is just intended to be Tansy speaking or if it is the author's opinion too. But I did not appreciate the "I'm better and smarter than you" attitude of these lectures. Even though that may be the case.

Here is a review by Kirkus Reviews.

 

My Cat Is Such A Weirdo Vol. 7

 

By Tamako Tamagoyama

A book about three cats and an axolotl. Mainly concerned about how the cats will adapt to a new house. And about the various health problems the animals experience. Not in great detail though.

The drawings are cute. But the cats don't seem any weirder than most cats. The axolotl's health problem was very weird, I think. 

For the most part, I don't get this book. It was very dull. How does a series this boring sell well enough to extend to seven volumes? That is what is weird about this book.

Anyway, here are three drawings from the book that I found to be a little bit amusing (Note -- the comic reads from right to left):

Accomplice to the Villain

 

By Hannah Nicole Maehrer

Book Three in the Assistant and the Villain series.

Evie has a new job, as assistant to Trystan Maverine, whose title is The Villain. Even though Trystan is The Villain, he is not as bad as one might think. Indeed, it didn't take Evie long to fall hard for the man and try her best to get a similar response from him. But he is a busy man and even though he is very much attracted to her, he is not receptive to her signals, no matter how blatant they are. He has a lot on his hands, as it seems something is very wrong with the magic in the kingdom and the king is not on Trystan's side and Trystan also has to deal a prophecy that foretells doom and gloom due to the fading magic. The prophecy is part of the reason that Trystan is unresponsive to Evie's advances. Which makes for much tension and suspense in the love story of these two characters.

Speaking of characters, the book is loaded with them, but even more than the main characters, the most appealing is probably the little frog, Kingsley, with his funny little signs that he uses to communicate since he can't speak beyond frog croaks, I suppose. 

The book is humorous and much of that humor is provided by Kingsley's signs, along with the witty dialogue and the clash between Evie and Trystan. 

I have to admit this review is based mostly from what I read about the book online. Because I really didn't like it, managing to read to only Chapter 5. I also have read no other books in the series, I didn't know it was a series so I didn't know what I was getting myself into. 

Two things I didn't care for was that it lacked an even flow and I often didn't understand who these people were and why they were acting the way they were. I also really didn't like the way Evie was throwing herself at Trystan, it just came off as unattractively aggressive. I set the book aside and thought I would eventually pick it back up and give it another go. But every time I thought I should go ahead and power through my distaste, I just did not want to. So I gave up and gave to someone else who was familiar with the series and was looking forward to reading it.

Here is a review by Kirkus Reviews.

A Deal With the Devil

By Elizabeth O'Roark

Two beautiful young people who carry baggage from failed relationships, for which they blame themselves. Of course we know when these two get together they are going to fall in love. They will have intimate relations. But will their baggage keep them trapped in their past mistakes? Of course not, this is a romance novel! And yes, there are steamy sex scenes. Can't sell a romance these days without graphic sex scenes.

Can you tell I was a tad disappointed by this story? I thought it was going to be a fantasy story. Well, it is a fantasy in that both these people are so perfect and smart and yet amazingly stupid at the same time. But it was not a supernatural fantasy. It's just an typical romance story. And if the hero is a "devil," the author doesn't really know what a devil is. Yes, he is demanding and testy. But almost immediately he shows his true nature, which decent and kind.

Anyway, hero is a extremely successful plastic surgeon is Los Angeles. Heroine is a failing author who used her advance on her first novel to take care of her dysfunctional family. She goes to work for Mr. Successful Physician because, even though she has been warned he's a pill, the pay makes it worthwhile. You know the rest. 

Warning! If you are looking for lots of steamy sex, it takes these two forever to get down to business. But when they finally do, the sex should be steamy enough to satisfy the reader who is looking for that. 

 

 

The Long Earth

 

By Terry Pratchett and Stephen Baxter

Another story about the multiverse, this time with an infinity of Earths to choose from, ranging from very slightly different to majorly different, including at least one where there is no Earth at all, just black space.

A man invents a device that allows people to flip a switch and travel instantly to the nearest version of Earth. To get to the next version, they have to toggle the switch again. So traveling to the further versions can take weeks, months and even years. Especially since iron metal doesn't transfer which means no equipment or machines made with iron and iron components. Also no livestock such as oxen and horses can be brought across. (Weird conditions the authors set up to make things more challenging and interesting, I guess.)

Oddly, none of these alternate Earths have their own naturally occurring populations of humans and are pristine wildernesses waiting to be exploited. Because of course that is what we do. Masses of people flee our planet to try their luck in a new world of their very own. I must admit it does sound appealing, but of course it is not as wonderful as it seems at first. Trying to carve a living out of a virgin wilderness is hard work.

It also turns out that there are some people who don't need a device to "step" as it is called in the story. It is an innate ability in some humans, most of whom are not at first aware they have that ability. But one who does is a young orphan being raised by the nuns in a childrens home, Joshua Valiente. 

The man who invented the stepping device released the blue print online without telling people what it does. Of course, people start building their own copy of it, just to see what it does, especially since it is intriguing powered by a potato battery. Who could resist that? It turns out that most definitely the kids in Joshua's local area can't and, when they flip the switch, they end up lost in a strange wilderness. But Joshua is not one of the disorientated kids when he steps and helps rescue the lost and frightened kids and discovers, in the process, that he doesn't need the device to step. He also doesn't suffer the debilitating side effects most people experience when they step.

Joshua's heroism creates interest in the public and he finds the attention unwelcome and uses his newfound skill to escape the scrutiny. Eventually he comes to the attention of a major multinational corporation and they make him an offer he decides not to refuse: a voyage of discovery using an amazing flying blimp to transit the earths effortlessly. He will be accompanied by an artificial human linked to a supercomputer that claims to be a reincarnated Tibetan motorcycle repair man. So the adventure into the plethora of alternate Earths begins.

The story is mainly about the voyage, with a few encounters with some creatures and beings, but not much else happens. Joshua and Lobsang encounter beings that they decide to call trolls because the beings are large and hairy. And beings they call elves because they are small and extremely vicious. Both trolls and elves have the stepping ability and have probably visited human Earth in the past. There is some mystery about why none of the Earths have native humans. There is also a mystery about why the trolls and elves are suddenly on the move, stepping from Earth to Earth. A further mystery is the presence that Joshua has sensed haunting his brain since he was a kid. And it also turns out that some people, a few, do not possess the ability to step, whether inborn or using the stepping device. This has created a natural resentment that has matured into a rebellion against the steppers. 

This book was a struggle to read because I found it so boring. Most of the story is centered on the voyage of Joshua and Lobsang in the blimp. They had one violent encounter with the elves but other than that, not much happens. At one point, they pick up a passenger, a woman who turns out to be the daughter of the man who invented the stepping device. There was some mystery in the story about that man and how he came to invent the device.

But I trudged through the book to the ending and it seemed pretty clear to me that The Long Earth is the first in a series. Also, unrelated though, Terry Pratchett is the coauthor of the book which is strange because it is lacking in the whimsy and humor that is what I was expecting from a Pratchett book. All in all, it was disappointing. And way too long, over 400 pages in paperback form. 

Despite this, it had a couple of passages that I did enjoy a lot. The first when Joshua is checking in at an airport to board a plane sent for him by a very important corporation:

"Once the clerk had entered his booking reference he went very quiet, and picked up the phone, and Joshua began to realize what it meant to have a friend in Lobsang, as he was whisked away from the lines of passengers and led along corridors with the politeness you might observe when dealing with a politician belonging to a country that had nuclear weapons and a carefree approach to their deployment."

And where the story is speaking of how various nations decided to rule their equivalent territories in the other Earths, some amusing words on how the French decided to handle it:

"The French, for example, declared that all the French footprints [territories] were available for colonization by anybody who wanted to be French, and was prepared to accept a carefully put together document which outlined what being French meant. It was a brave idea, slightly let down by the fact that despite a nationwide debate it appeared that no two Frenchmen could agree exactly on what being French did mean." 

Here is a review of the novel by Kirkus Reviews.

 

My Name Is Lucy Barton

 

By Elizabeth Strout

Lucy Barton is a young mother who became ill and had to spend many weeks in the hospital, trying to get her health back. Her mother comes to the city to be with her daughter at this time and stays by her side until it is apparent that Lucy is on the mend.

While there, she and Lucy share some memories of their time together. Lucy wants to have a closer relationship with her mother. But her mother just does not seem capable of being the mother her daughter would like to have. Unspoken questions cloud their relationship, including questions about Lucy's father and possible abuse. 

When the mother sees that Lucy is no longer in danger of dying, she leaves, still unable to tell her daughter that she loves her and leaving unanswered the questions Lucy has from the past. But even so, she has shown her love by being there until she was certain Lucy was getting well.

I cannot say I enjoyed this book. I kept waiting for the plot but it was just trips down memory lane for Lucy and her mom. In, fact, a couple weeks later, and I can barely recall any of it. I did finish it and was glad I did. 

Here is a review of the novel by Fiction Writers Review.

A Taste of Magic

 

By Tracy Madison

Life has not been going well for Liz lately. Her divorce has been finalized and her ex is happily settled into his new life with his new wife. Liz was blindsided by his sudden decision to end their marriage and has been feeling empty and lonely ever since.

Life is about to get more interesting though. Because her grandmother is giving Liz a very special birthday present: magic. According to the grandmother, Liz is descended from a long line of gypsy women with magical powers. Grandmother is in her eighties, so Liz doesn't take her claims about magic too seriously. That is until she accidently casts a spell on to some desserts she has made. And sees the results of those spells on the people who ate the magical desserts. Too bad that the spells were just wishful thinking and not well thought out. Liz's next attempts are more on target, but still with unplanned for side effects that are messing with some of her closest friends' lives in way she never intended. Including the ex-husband who Liz was trying to punish but instead seems to have revived his interest in her, the last thing she wants now that she has a hunky, single policeman living right next door who is as interested in Liz as she is in him.

This was an ok read. Actually found it dull, for the most part. I suppose all Liz's mistakes with her magic are supposed to be funny but I didn't find them to be so. Halfway through, I got pretty bored with it and was ready for it to be done. I kept thinking, given her first failures, that Liz should stop messing with peoples lives with her fumbling spells and just leave magic alone. 

Also, the vibe was coming through that it is the first book in a series, which it is, the second book, A Stroke of Magic, is about Liz's sister, Alice, with whom Liz shares her magical abilities. 

Lost & Found

 

By Jacqueline Sheehan

Rocky's husband died of a sudden heart attack and she is having a very hard time coping with her grief. In order to give herself a breathing space, she leaves her home and moves into a rental house on a touristy island off the coast of Maine during the off season. 

Looking to occupy her time, she takes on the part time job of animal control officer. She deals with a lot of stray cats, problem raccoons and pets abandoned by the summer people. One of the animals she deals with is a Labrador retriever who is found seriously ill and crippled by an arrow in his shoulder. 

Rocky fosters the dog, which she names Lloyd. It seems to her, as a person who is dealing with grief, that Lloyd is dealing with grief too. When it turns out that the arrow that was in the dog's shoulder was a rather rare, handmade arrow, Rocky starts trying to track down where it came from, hoping to discover more about Lloyd and what happened to him. 

Meanwhile, Rocky gets to know some of the permanent residents of the island and starts to form some good friendships. If her obsession with tracking down Lloyd's past doesn't get in the way, that is. Oddly, she decides she wants to learn archery, using the same kind of homemade arrows as the one that Lloyd was shot with. This brings her into contact with a man on the mainland who teaches archery part time, Hill, short for Hillary. Is a romance blossoming? Or will poor Hill end up with an arrow in his leg? 

I sympathized with Rocky's grief and her desire to have some time alone to adjust to her new reality. I was happy when she found a friend in poor, wounded Lloyd. I was less interested in the mystery of Lloyd's previous owner. And I was not much interested in the teenager next door who is anorexic. And I was completely uninterested in Rocky's desire to become proficient in archery. Nor was I surprised to read that Rocky's elderly friend on the island didn't have cancer and instead was risking her life by not going to see a doctor about her belly pain. Because everybody in this story is a bit different. So parts of the story I liked but other parts I really didn't.

There is a follow up book, Picture This. 

Darwin's Radio

 

By Greg Bear

A new disease has popped up. Women are having miscarriages, losing extremely deformed fetuses. Further investigation leads researchers to conclude that some ancient component of human DNA has suddenly reactivated and is causing these miscarriages. 

As scientists and the medical community try to figure out what is going wrong, a huge divide emerges, with one group claiming it is some kind of sudden evolution. And the other group claiming it is a disease that must be stopped. 

A small group of the 'it's evolution' scientists go rogue, running from the US government that is tracking pregnant women and performing abortions because they claim the offspring are just disease carriers who pose a terrible risk to human survival. Naturally, since no one seems to know what is really happening, it causes massive social upheaval and riots. 

Greg Bear loves to delve into the science. Unfortunately, a lot of it is hard to follow, especially for a person who does not have fairly high level science knowledge.  I don't need the amount of detail he goes into to understand the story. He just goes on and on about DNA and genetics. It just adds a lot of pretty unreadable bulk to the story. My paperback copy was over 500 pages long. Naturally I did what I always do when authors are suffering from word diarrhea: I skip it. Minutia doesn't interest me.

Anyway, two of the 'it's evolution'  scientists, a man and a woman, get together and have a baby. They want to prove their thesis is correct by giving birth to a new version of human. They spend the rest of the story hiding from the Feds. 

The evolutionary changes that Bear images are odd. How they are suppose to improve the human race in its struggle to cope with overpopulation and environmental degradation are not explained. One of the changes he imagines is people have squid-like skin that changes colors as a form of communication. I expect all that is explained in the sequel, Darwin's Children. Which I will not be reading.

Here is a review by Publishers Weekly.

Some Girls Bite

 

By Chloe Neill

First book in the Chicagoland vampires series.

In this story all the creatures of our folktales and fairy tales and probably mythology are real and living among us. Including vampires, who have revealed themselves to the world for reasons that are suspicious or just not very clear. The Chicago vampires are divided into Houses: Cadogan, Navarre, and Grey. In addition to the housed vampires, another group of stray or unaffiliated vampires are called Rogues. It is Merit's misfortune to be attacked and nearly killed by a stray vampire one Chicago night. In order to save her life, an affiliated vampire, leader of House Cadogan, who just happened to be nearby, turned her vampire. Without her consent, but she was unconscious and unable to consent to the sudden change in her life.

Before being attacked, Merit was kind of a nerdy college student, working on her dissertation for her graduate work. But that is now all over, as the college doesn't accept vampires as students. Everything she worked for is over, all her plans erased and a new reality that Merit is finding very difficult to accept. She is rebellious and disinclined to cooperate, especially after being told she needs to join House Cadogan or become a Rogue. 

She begins to adapt to her new reality but doesn't really feel comfortable with her fellow Cadogan vampires who all seem to believe she should be thrilled to be included in their company, especially the guy who saved her life by turning her vampire, their leader, Ethan. Merit liked her life before and isn't all that grateful. But the vampires lay down the law, saying that she needs to swear loyalty to Cadogan and to Ethan. Or be an outcast and rogue. 

So she knuckles under and takes the oath and becomes part of Cadogan and swears to protect the house and its leader, Ethan. At which point the story became so boring I had a hard time finishing it.  And there is a serial killer plot that starts out pretty interesting until the guilty party confronts Ethan and blurts everything out without anyone hardly even needing to ask. Like the author got bored with the story too and decided to just wrap it up. 

This book reads like a sixteen year old teenage girl's fantasy about vampires. These vampires are all young (looking) and all beautiful and dressing in sexy black clothing and hanging out together like kids in a dorm. Which is basically what Cadogan House is, a fancy dorm for vampires. Also these vampires eat regular food and drink alcohol, only needing human blood as a supplement. Garlic doesn't bother them, nor does holy water, or crosses and they are not invisible in mirrors. Just really watered down vampires, designed to enjoy the perks of being vampires and human at the same time. Perfect teenage girl fantasy vampires. 

Retief to the Rescue

 

By Keith Laumer

Retief, a diplomat, is posted to the planet of Futheron, home of the Hithers and the Nethers, more unkindly known as the Creepies and the Crawlies. Futheron, or as the natives call it, Ynnezadoog. 

An explanation of life on Furtheron from the book:

"When Admiral Slizz reported that the newly explored world Ynnezadoog was potentially habitable, a full Survey Party was dispatched at once....The landing party was greeted by a heavy bombardment to which the admiral responded by hastily erecting the fortified camp which has now come to be called Furtheron City. The early discovery of valuable mineral deposits provided sufficient incentive to remain, in spite of the hostility of the place....the 'bombardment' is a natural phenomenon, due to an eccentric sort of vulcanism, and has been proceeding continuously for at least some millions of years. Investigations by Groacian geologists revealed that gas pressure within the porous crust constantly expelled particles from surface pores, these particles ranging in size from dust grains to multi-ton boulders. Once expelled and having fallen back to the surface, such an object tended to roll or slide downhill until it encountered an open pore large enough to admit it, in time wearing well-refined grooves which thereafter channeled later objects to the same orifice. These returning particles clogged the gas vents until re-expelled, the repeated expulsions occurring along the most convenient channels, in time smoothing and strengthening them until they attained the appearance of well-polished gun barrels. Having evolved under constant bombardment from an unknown source, they [the native peoples] not unnaturally developed a sense of hostility toward whomever it was who was attacking, as they imagined. Since the enemy could be anyone, mutual hostility became the norm. Thus spurring the growth of intelligence, while the natural conditions kept the population small and prevented  developments of any cooperative nature, such as organizing socially. We Groaci found conditions of complete anarchy here, and of course set about creating local government institutions in the hope of ameliorating the universal impulse to attack on sight any fellow Furtheronian—foreigners, of course, being exempt, since clearly they could not be at the bottom of an assault which predated their arrival by eons. In the end, we arrived at two major factions, which we not unnaturally called Hither and Nether, based on the location of the parley sites at which the protocols were hammered out. We appointed Lib Glip as Premier here aboveground, and one Barf, self-styled 'General' as the Nether Leader."

 And this is the world that Retief has arrived on and on which he will attempt to bring some kind of peace and order to a world that has never know peace and order. With no help from the resident Groaci, an expansionist race that has been competing with humankind ever since they discovered each other. 

This was an OK read. It has the usual silliness which is what I like about the Retief stories. Unfortunately, too large a section of the story is about the super tank that Laumer has written about in other stories, the Bolo, which is an idea he clearly absolutely LOVES. I don't, though. 

 

 

Making Waves

 

By Tawna Fenske

So Juli Flynn has it rough. She beautiful and smart and sexy and has naturally blonde, curly hair. Poor thing. Anyways, she feels she has it rough, mainly because she "the world's smartest woman" with an IQ of 186. She is fluent in several languages, proficient in several professions, but has never found her place in life, drifting from one thing to another. Then her beloved Uncle Frank passes away and Juli is in charge of scattering his ashes on a coral reef in the Caribbean. 

Problem is Juli is afraid of the ocean. She loved her Uncle Frank and has decided she will hire a boat and dispose of his ashes just as he wished. But first she is going take some motion sickness medicine but has a weird reaction to the medication. In her drugged state, she mistakes a private vessel as the one she hired to take her to her Uncle's chosen resting place. She climbs on board unseen and passes out in the stateroom. No one notices her until they are quite far out to sea. 

Turns out Juli has boarded a pirate boat (ship, whatever, I don't care). And the pirates are a strange lot, not nearly as piratey as one would expect. Turns out they are first time pirates, out to exact revenge on their boss who gave them all the shaft. They expect to intercept a ship belonging to the boss that they think is carrying a hidden cargo of diamonds. Discovering they have a stowaway does not make them happy. Luckily for Juli, these pirates are not really criminal types, despite their plan steal their former boss's diamonds. And Juli, being the world's smartest woman, soon has them all wrapped around her finger. Especially the captain, Alex, who, of course is virile and handsome and lonely and will eventually end up doing the deed with the heroine, Juli. Although the author chooses to draw their courtship out to the very end by making sure neither Juli or Alex has access to condoms for the few days they are stuck on the boat together. 

Even though they are not willing to consummate their relationship without protection, they still have a lot of fun working each other up, including a game of strip Battleship, which runs nine pages of excruciatingly lusty detail.

The plot gets a bit convoluted and involves some real pirates and some dildos and  Juli and one of the beginner pirates dressing up as prostitutes and other such madcap nonsense that is supposed to be hilarious.

Guess it's pretty clear I did not care for the book. I didn't find it funny. The plot is silly, and not in a good way. The characters were not appealing, no matter how hard the author worked to make them quirky and funny. Reading, it felt like the whole purpose of the book was to tantalize the reader with Juli and Alex almost having sex. This book is just one almost-sex scene after the other with a little plot woven in. Like a pornographic novel, where the plot merely serves the sexual activity. 

Bolo

 

By Keith Laumer

A short story collection about Bolos, an intelligent military machine similar to a tank.

• A Short History of the Bolo Fighting Machine: exactly what the title says.
• The Night of the Trolls: Man comes out of suspended animation to discover a world turned upside down by war.
• Courier: Retief (of the CDT) is sent to stop an invasion of a human-settled world by an aliens.
• Field Test: War breaks out and a general decides it is an opportunity to test the newest weapon, a Bolo Fighting Machine.
• The Last Command: A long-buried Bolo suddenly wakes up and emerges from underground to begin war against innocent civilians.
• A Relic of War: The local townspeople think the broken down old Bolo in the village square is merely a monument to the past. But then it reactivates.
• Combat Unit: Hostile aliens have found an old Bolo and are fooling around with it when it suddenly comes to life.

These stories are OK. Not really a subject I am interested in, though. Descriptions of fights, battles and machinery are boring to me. I did skip a lot of the text because I just don't care about such. For some reason, I thought Bolo was the name of a person, a pirate or criminal or politician. Came as a surprise that it is a fancy, self-aware tank. 

Where Is Joe Merchant?

 

By Jimmy Buffett

So it is believed that Joe Merchant, famous singer, died by suicide. But people keep claiming to have seen him. Joe's sister, Trevor, gets a message from a psychic who insists she come to an island in the Caribbean because the psychic is sure Joe is alive and nearby.

So Trevor turns to her old ex-lover, Frank Bama, a small-time pilot, and talks him into flying her down to this island. But on his way down to meet her, Frank gets hijacked by a crazy mercenary who bails out of Frank's plane over the ocean leaving Frank tied up and doomed. (He survives.) 

Meanwhile Trevor gets angry because Frank is late for their rendezvous and she ends up getting kidnapped by a different crazy mercenary. She gets tied up and tossed into the ocean to her certain doom for reasons to convoluted to go into here (she survives). 

Frank and Trevor finally find each other and the psychic and sure enough Joe Merchant is not as dead as everyone thought. But there is no happy reunion. 

I didn't care for this book. There are too many characters, too much going on, too many villains and hatefulness. And the mystical stuff spoiled what I thought was going to be a straight up mystery story. Magic scepters, talking dolphins, messages from outer space, fools who believe in that silliness, ugh. Plus the story was just too chaotic. And too much small plane mechanical stuff. He goes on for pages about the plane's mechanical problems or whatever. I just skipped those pages.

Here is a review by Kirkus Reviews.

Enterprise The First Adventure

 

By Vonda N. McIntyre

James T. Kirk is given command of the starship Enterprise after recovering from wounds received in a heroic rescue of a fellow officer and close friend who would have died if Kirk had not been there. 

Of course, he doesn't know the crew of the Enterprise except for his old friend, Dr. McCoy. All the others are strangers who have to get to know their new leader and vice versa, including Mr. Scott, the engineer and Mr. Spock, the science officer. Both men are reserving judgment on their new commander. 

The first mission under Kirk is to take a vaudeville show on a tour of worlds where they will put on their shows. It consists of the manager who is also a magician, Lindy, and her winged horse (oddly the horse is not part of the show, it's basically Lindy's pet) There are also tap dancers, a mime, a shakespearean actor and a troop of performing poodles. A juggler joins the show too, a Vulcan who goes by the name of Stephen. 

Not surprisingly, Kirk isn't thrilled being a taxi service for the vaudevillians. And there are the problems of miscommunication with the crew to whom he is a stranger. And the food replicators are pumping out food that is definitely subpar. Kirk finds the vaudeville's manager Lindy quite attractive but is shut down when she reveals she has a crush on the mime. 

But all that doesn't really matter when the Enterprise encounters a spaceship that is so massive they call it a worldship. Once contact is established, it is quickly apparent that the winged denizens of the worldship are not looking for a fight and Kirk invites a few of them onto the Enterprise where the aliens seem quite charmed by the Enterprise, which is like a toy in size compared to their massive worldship. Once communication is established, thanks to Spock and his famous mind meld, it becomes quite clear that the aliens are operating from a much different perspective than any culture humans have ever encountered. And then the Klingons show up, worried that the humans are trying to make an alliance with the worldship people to the detriment of the Klingon empire. 

This was an ok read. It really never got my interest very much and I found the whole winged horse story completely ridiculous. According to the story these horses can't actually fly but they desperately want to. But they are not aerodynamic. So they try and try to fly but fail. They eventually go crazy. What is the point of creating a winged horse that gets depressed and goes crazy when it can't attain its fondest dream? I just never understood the point of adding a non-flying winged horse to the story. It really contributes nothing to the plot other than being crazily unlikely. 

More Than Gold

 

By Shirley Hailstock

Morgan had a rough start to life. Abandoned as a child, she lived on the streets, surviving as best she could. Fortunately, she was adopted by a kind social worker. Morgan turned out to have a talent for gymnastics and was good enough to make the Olympic team when she was nineteen. 

She is approached by US government agents who talk her into, while at the Olympics in Korea, breaking into a Korean prison and rescuing a prisoner, a man who will probably die in prison if not rescued. She does as asked but in consequence she lives her later life in hiding, fearful of assassins coming to kill her. Twelve years later, the assassins do track her down. Her only chance for survival is CIA agent Jack Temple.  

But Morgan and Jack Temple have history, going back to her time at the Olympics, where Jack was there to keep an eye on her, posing as the team swim coach. Morgan fell hard for him, but except for one exciting kiss, it never went anywhere. Having Jack suddenly back in her life sets off so many emotions, she isn't sure she wants him there, even though she needs his expertise to survive the killers on her trail. 

Well, this was a romance novel disguised as a thriller. Sure there are lots of dangerous and thrilling encounters but the main point is to get two lovers back together again. Which requires lots of sex. Which I skipped reading because sex scenes do not appeal to me. And besides the surfeit of sex, there are just so many hair-raising encounters, it began to be a bit tedious. And I never figured out why the Koreans wanted Morgan dead. Something to do with a wedding ring that she was given while in the Korean prison. Why didn't she just give it back to them?  Or give it to the CIA and let them deal with it? And Morgan: first she is this kick-ass woman who can deal with anything. And then she is a lost little girl who needs her big strong man to save her. Then she's back to being kick-ass woman tough enough to track down kidnapped Jack Temple and rescue him from the Koreans completely unaided. The story just left me confused.

Here is a review by Publishers Weekly.

A Darker Domain

 

By Val McDermid

A rich man's daughter and her baby son are kidnapped and held for ransom. Contact is made with the kidnappers and an exchange arranged. But it all goes wrong and the daughter is killed and the kidnappers vanish with the baby and are never heard from again.

Twenty years later, and a woman has come to the police for help finding her father who vanished at about the same time as the rich man's kidnapped grandson. The woman is desperate to find her father because her son is dying of cancer and needs a transplant and her father could be the donor, if he can be found.

All her life, she thought her father, Mick, was a miner who left his family behind and moved away to a nearby town, sending back money occasionally. But as the police investigate his disappearance, they discover he never moved to that town and the money was being sent by someone else who felt sorry for her mother.

Meanwhile, the rich man still longs to find his lost grandson and bring him home. . A reporter has stumbled across a compelling new piece of evidence concerning the kidnappers. She brings this evidence to the rich man and he brings it to the police and now the search is on once again to find the lost baby who is a baby no longer and is now a young man. If he is even still alive!

This was an OK mystery story. It was pretty clear that the vanished miner and the kidnapping, which both happened at about the same time and in about the same area, were most likely connected. One thing I found hard to understand was the miner's wife just accepting that he had moved to a nearby town without ever following up on that and seeing for herself that he had left her and his family behind. Supposedly she was ashamed because he a "scab" or, as he is called in the story, a "blackleg" or, if I am understanding it correctly, a "strikebreaker." I must admit that the book made so little impression on me, that when I sat down to write this, I couldn't even remember what it was about until I looked at the description on the back cover. I didn't dislike it, I also didn't love it, it was an OK read.

Here is a review by Publishers Weekly.