O'Rourke gives "advice" on the bachelor lifestyle, addressing such items as:
- House Cleaning
- Home Ownership
- Home Decorating
- Home Repair
- Lawn and Yard Care
"Bill Clinton was only a microscopic polyp in the colon of national politics, and Hillary was still in flight school, hadn't even soloed on her broom."
"Plus a home gives you something to do around the house. Furthermore, there is no real satisfaction in pissing out of somebody else's window."
"Don't cook steaks in the toaster, even little ones. I've tried this and the fire department comes."
"Stay away from goofier kinds of lettuce. Any lettuce that comes from the store in a form that can't be thrown from third base to home is too exotic."
"The next best vegetable is the jalapeno pepper. It has the virtue of turning salads into practical jokes."
"But yogurt does make good shaving cream."
"Eggs: When something starts pecking its way out of the shell, the egg is probably past its prime."