Retief: Emissary to the Stars

 

By Keith Laumer

A collection of eight Retief stories dating from the 1960s and 1970s.

• THE HOOB MELON CRISIS:  As per usual, Terrans and Groaci are in disagreement about who owns a newly discovered world, Froom 93 aka New Groac. And, as per usual, Jame Retief steps in to send the Groaci packing, by introducing an invasive species, gribble-worms. The gribbles take over the world, but they shed their skins, which are quite lovely and can be made into gorgeous cloth. Still it backfires, when the Terrans decide they no longer want Froom 93 either, what with all the gribbles. So the Groaci can have it if they want. Unfortunately, the Groaci mistakenly release the gribbles on their home planet and the worms go after their major crop, Hoob melons.
• THE GARBAGE INVASION: Once again, Terran and Groaci can't agree what to do with the latest new world. Delicia is a natural paradise, green and lush, and Terrans want it to be declared a galactic park. The Groaci are pushing to have it turned into a planet-wide garbage dump and have already started dumping trash on it. To complicate things, a third group has arrived on Delicia, the Basurans. A bellicose race of beings known mainly for eating their planet away to bedrock, they want to add the planet of Delicia to their diet. 
• Excerpt from RETIEF AND THE WARLORDS: Retief and a companion, Harrumph, have been jailed and are shortly to be fed to vicious predators in an arena, to the delight of the locals of Harrumph's home world. But Retief gets his hand on a potent drug, that when taken, gives him an interesting super power.
• THE TROUBLESHOOTER: Basurans, led by one Intimidator of Insolent Upstarts Honk, are causing trouble again, this time on Furtheron, a bucolic planet settled by farmers. Stupidly, though, Honk agrees to a bet with Retief. 
• THE NEGOTIATORS: The diplomats find themselves stuck on a small barren island, the only solid ground on a water world, trying to negotiate a treaty with the natives. But they have no idea where the locals are or even what they look like. Until Retief happens to strike up a conversation with a large blob lounging on the beach. 
• GIANT KILLER: The diplomats mistakenly agree to kill a large carnivorous dinosaur that is dining on the local villagers. Failing to do so will be fatal.
• THE FOREST IN THE SKY: Zoon is has been taken over by voracious bunnies that will eat anything and the local people need help. But what the diplomatic missions didn't understand was that the bunnies are the people's children, mindless eating-machines that their parents are terrified of.
• TRICK OR TREATY: Retief and a small band of circus performers thwart an attempted takeover on the part of an unsavory group of centaurs.

Most of the stories in this collection are just average. In all the stories, most everybody is only looking our for number one, including the humans. And most have neither the brains or gumption to save themselves from disaster. Indeed, most seem indifferent to immanent doom. Only Retief seems to have any morals or seems to be the only one to care about his fellow intelligent beings. 

For me, the only stories that I truly enjoyed was  THE HOOB MELON CRISIS and the excerpt, RETIEF AND THE WARLORDS.